We moved here about two years ago. Many of our neighbors are second or third generation here, others are more recent, but we are definitely the new kids on the block. You remember what it is like to be the new kid. When I am going into new situations I often begin with fantasies of hopeful promise that this will be a new haven….I paint pictures in my mind of a place where I’ll feel like I belong, they’ll feel like they (and I) belong, we will all get along…Then I start to meet people….
So there we were on our new property, which has the outstanding characteristic of a creek running through it. Something else that is unusual about our new place is that there is a road both in front and in back of us. The house came with a fence in front but not in back where the creek and the second road are. The house has a wall of windows that exposes most of the house to the street. As we err on the modest, private side, we put a fence up. But not for long. The neighbors, these people who were supposed to be my new best friends, were, it turns out very entitled, nincompoops. They protested our fence! They said it blocked “their” view of the creek (and of our back yard, living room, dining room and kitchen might I add). The city even came out to inspect and after seeing how exposed our house was to the street Okayed the fence. But the neighbors, who were obviously not my new best friends, kept pestering and complaining. We were forced to take our fence down. Now everyone who walks and drives by can see what I am eating for breakfast, oh joy!
I was so mad I could spit.
And I stayed mad for a long time! I dreamt mad things about my neighbors. I told everyone I know how mad I was about it. I could not stop thinking about it! I felt exposed and vulnerable. I felt like my family and I had no privacy and that everyone in our neighborhood might be looking into our yard and house all the time.
Right around Halloween time, as this whole conflict (and my anger) was at its climax, I had visions of hanging a Halloween witch in the tree, by the neck, with a sign that said, “It was the fence that led me to this.” I know that is just crazy, but that is how the feeling of vulnerability and lack of power was affecting me. Who wins, the bad witch or the good?
And then…. I remembered a mindfulness teaching I had learned from Thich Nhat Hahn several years ago. He said, “notice the absence of a tooth ache and enjoy not having one.” I began to realize there were many periods of the day when no one was walking by my exposed yard, living room, dining room, and kitchen. Sure, there were the morning and evening dog walkers and commuters, and yes, some people did walk and drive the road at various other points in the day, actually, the road was often empty. Much of the day I was exposed to nothing but the plants and asphalt. In fact, I started to notice that while someone could practically see what I was having for breakfast, they were not. So in TNH’s words I was noticing the “absence of the tooth ache.” Unfortunately this led me to anger again; why did those people spend all that effort protesting our fence, when no one is ever out there looking at the creek they insisted they had to have a view of. Then I remembered the second part of the teaching, “and enjoy not having a tooth ache”. So I did. I began to enjoy all the moments I was “alone” in my yard or kitchen.
Now I find that in fact, most of the day I “have no tooth ache” or neighbors passing by, and the enjoyment of each moment is there for the taking.
I really mean it when I said I was so mad I could just spit! And I know it sounds too good to be true, but what I just described is what happened. Mindfulness is like that, it reprograms your brain. It doesn’t fix your brain – your crazy will still be there (just like mine was and is) – but the bounce back time gets shorter and more effective, meaning you leave your crazy sooner and further behind you…And right now I’m at my dining room table typing and no one is outside my window.
Take it home:
- What is something that “gives you a tooth ache”? Think of something that leaves you feeling disappointed, vulnerable, angry. Now pause, take a few breaths into that memory and those feelings. We are not trying to bypass the feelings. They are important and need your kind attention before you go on any further. However they do shift and change and sometimes we forget to experience their decrease or their absence.
- Notice not “having a tooth ache”. Notice the moments when the disappointment, vulnerability, anger is NOT there. Or if they are still there it can be helpful to notice when they decrease, even just slightly. This would be noticing the lessening of the tooth ache.
- Enjoy the “absence of the tooth ache”. Next time you catch a moment of ease, when the disappointment, vulnerability or anger has lifted. Whether temporarily away or gone for good, sit back for a moment, breathe and enjoy…
Rebekkah LaDyne is based in the San Francisco Bay Area where she teaches Mindfulness, Meditation and Yoga.
She teaches group class, individual sessions and retreats. She has published 2 Instructional Yoga and Mindfulness CDs for home practice available on iTunes and on Amazon.
Learn more about her at www.enjoymindfulyoga.com
Thanks David.
I like the door in the fence idea. And certainly like the block party idea too. Actually since the day we had to take the fence down, many neighbors have extended authentic kindness to us and have told us their regrets that we are exposed in the way we are. Those who feel this way have also said they are happy to see the creek in any of the many locations in our neighborhood in which it is visible. My mind is saying, “sounds like I can count another blessing that my street and the adjoining streets all have many views of the creek.”
Again thanks for your comment. Love the connections.
How interesting to stumble upon this entry.. I have a similar situation, in reverse! There’s a house with the only little stream in the neighborhood I live in, running through the front of it, and recently a fence was erected to block views for more privacy. I had secretly coveted the few moments every couple days of gazing down at the little brook, it was really cathartic.. and often with my little daughter. I never though of looking into the house another 30 yards back, and felt sad that we live in a world that hides public beauty for private eyes. Of course, I know they own the land and can even build a parking lot. So the point is, I never thought of the view of the insiders (much).. only wished there was a way for us both to look at the beauty nature grew. Ergo, I say, put a door in the fence, where people can see the water, and then have a big healing block party annually. You will integrate the good and “bad witch, I bet. Namaste, 🙂
Thanks Lancashire,
I like your play on words as well. And indeed that is what it felt like, fencing with myself. Thank goodness I have a mindfulness practice to bring me back to what is actually happening so that I can know just how OK things really are. I am glad you will be taking this home with you as well. Mindfulness is contagious, we can catch it from each other, glad you will be spreading it out there in your community and with this online community too.
I look forward to be in touch again.
Dear Rebekkah,
This is a well-written and insightful, and honest post. I like the take home points and will certainly reflect further on them. I like playing with words, and couldn’t help thinking about how much the “fencing” out there led to you fencing with yourself and your mental constructs of how it was ‘out there’. Keep in touch, Lancashire Yogi:namaste
Nice synchronicity that your Spirit Rock teacher was using a metaphor that I have been actually living. I like Rick’s teaching on fences. In my case the “fence” had to come from inside of me. I fenced off the part of my mind that was committed to seeing what was not good about my situation. And this mental fence allowed me to see what was was good about my situation.
And thanks for reading the “about me” part also. I’m so glad you relate. Integration of the whole me, that is my intention. And my intention for the clients I work with. Step by step we go…
Yes Karen, love all of “it”, the good, bad and ugly. And yes so often I have seen in myself and clients I work with that bringing even more love, kindness and patience to the “ugly” slowly transforms it into true and lasting beauty.
Thanks for reading the blog and thanks for sharing your wisdom.
just went to a daylong at spirit rock (the neurology of awakening). the teacher said that fences make for good neighbors (having strong boundaries of “i” makes for a stronger “we.” thanks for sharing tips for how to navigate sticky situations like this. i also love your “about” situation about not wanting two columns and feeling divided. oh, how I relate. lotsa love and props to you for your blog! xo
Rebekkah,
So true! Some days the bad witch wins – and some days she just needs to be loved a bit more than I knew I could love her! She really is so beautiful under her warts and stringy hair. Yes! Amplify what IS good and let the rest fall into right relationship. Thank goodness you have a lovely home where you eat a warm breakfast!
Karen
Thank you so much Gina. I love that we all help each other to remember…
~Rebekkah
How true this is! Thank you for so eloquently reminding us of this tendency to get caught up in the tooth ache-moments of life rather than the tooth-ache-free moments. – Gina
So glad we are connected from so far away. I’m glad you find the post helpful. And if you ever are in need of a guest Mindfulness and Yoga teacher in France do let me know.
I do agree with you ! Thank you for these explanations which are very clear and usefull ! Have a good night ! Here in Lyon, the town is near to wake up ! Bye and see you soon on Linkedin…
Michèle Turco (France)